To the US District Court for the Southern District of New York –
This letter sets forth the full and complete offer from my client, Ben Doyle (hereinafter referred to as “client” or “defendant”) in the case of UNITED STATES OF AMERICA v. BEN DOYLE. My client agrees that the factual admissions found within this letter accurately describe the actions of the defense, and is willing to testify to these facts in exchange for a reduced sentence at a minimum-security prison or summer camp. These facts are as follows:
1. Client is not a 4-year Varsity Letter winner in “sailing.” The shirtless photo of client submitted to the Yale, Vassar, and Brown University (Fig. A.) was, in actuality, client’s head digitally superimposed onto the body of Individual One, a person of athletic prowess, as Photoshopped by Individual Two, currently employed at Walgreens. This is a misrepresentation of client’s physique, which, according to client’s mother, is “developing.”
2. On or about April 5, 2017, client won a Scholastic Gold Key for his poem, “The Road Not Taken.” This award has since been rescinded and re-awarded, posthumously, to Robert Frost.
3. Client did not score a 1580 on the SAT. Rather he scored 1430; the higher score was earned by Individual One, the same individual with the aforementioned “sailing” physique.
4. Client was awarded “Best Smile,” in the 2015 Park School Yearbook, but we concede that this was likely voted in jest. According to contemporaneous reports, client’s smile is “unsettling.”
5. During an admissions interview, on or about November 11, 2017, client communicated with Individual One through a miniature earpiece at the request of client’s mother. Halfway through the interview, client began a tangent about his passion of beekeeping, prompting Individual One to enter the room and remove him. Individual One apologized to the interviewer for the misunderstanding, placed a briefcase on the table, and then concluded the interview with a fraudulent story about starting a pro-social green hedge fund.
6. Client is not a US Veteran.
7. On or about June 5, 2017, client was officially reported to be “an absolute joy to have in class.” This report was in reference to months of “engaged listening” and “thoughtful comments” made by Individual One, who client’s mother thought would be a “better fit” for AP English.
8. Client will not necessarily receive “bulk” of mother’s estate, whose Last Will and Testament has been recently reconfigured to include a second heir.
9. In client’s Common Application essay, “What Family Means to Me,” client references a family dinner of July 2016 that he claimed, “was the happiest night of [his] life.” Records show that client did not attend this dinner and had only eavesdropped on it from the living room. According to Individual One’s deposition, client “really missed out.”
10. Client’s favorite book is not Infinite Jest. Client couldn’t even finish Infinite Jest.