Therapist says I have to write in you once a day. No other guidelines. Probably will not even write full sentences. Therapist says I will look on you with fondness one day, but therapist seems not to remember part where I mentioned you will be burned. Therapist seems to also not remember part where I mentioned she will be fired if she keeps trying to “help” me. Do not need her pity.
Am just going to use you for grocery list. Ha, ha. Take that, therapist. Thanks for free paper.
- canned “legumes” (don’t know this word)
- most expensive lettuce
- reese’s puffs (my idea)
- also chips (ruffle kind)
Am also going to use you to remember genius invention ideas. First invention idea: Un-toaster, for when toast was toasted too much.
Am also going to use you for emotional venting. Not because therapist says so. Am own man, with own decisions, and own stupid book (you). Also have own stupid wife, but not for long! Stupid wife Martha says I am not in touch with my emotions. Well what do you call this, stupid wife Martha?
Therapist says that I should be more considerate when Martha is voicing concerns. Couldn’t think of witty retort, so had to fire her. Ha, ha. The look on her face. Who’s in touch with their emotions now?
Goodbye book, you have been useless.
Dug you out of trash because of genius invention idea. Can’t remember it anymore, but it was great.
Remember now! Was some kind of Redbull/Viagra hybrid drink. Would really solve most of my problems.
Found Martha packing her bags tonight. Told her that this delighted me (mostly true!) Went on long spiel about how life would be way-super-easier now (hope this is true!) Ella being very brave about all the hubbub. Said that she didn’t care, which is not at all true. She cares very much, but is just a teen. Is a teen thing not to care. Am almost like a teen, in that way!
New month, new me! New me is like old me, but alone. New me has new favorite meal, and it is called Cinnamon Toast Crunch with Whiskey. Easy to make, and delicious.
House is very empty. Have been doing things Martha wouldn’t let me do when she was here, like watch pornography in living room. Ella has not come out of bedroom for some reason. Probably sad about Martha.
Martha showed up at ten in the morning. Was wearing the big sunglasses. Bought her the big sunglasses in Italy. Very expensive. Told her the big sunglasses made her look like a bug. A very beautiful bug, but did not say it. Martha is like a very beautiful bug you would stick a tiny pin into and put in a little glass box. Did not say that either. Just called her a bug. She said I had seven days to pack my things.
Watched HGTV. Couple purchased “forever home.” There is no such thing as forever home. There is only short time home, or sometimes longtime home.
Got Tinder. Ella rolled eyes at this. Am too old for Tinder, says Ella. Told Ella I have been sexually active for twenty-three years (if you add them up). Asked Ella just how many years she has been sexually active. Said mostly as a joke but would really like to know. Ella did not respond and went to room. Going to meet women tonight.
Tinder apparently place for CHILDREN to have SEX WITH EACH OTHER. Do not want to have sex with children. App probably made by pervert. Is Ella having sex with other children using pervert app? Will investigate. Hope there is app for finding forever partner (adult).
Invention idea: amphibious yacht
Looked at apartments on the internet. Very expensive. Should have looked at apartments sooner. Starting to wonder how young people afford apartments. Maybe some app with cheap apartments that I do not know about. Apartments almost as good as forever home. Forever Apartments: possible app name? Want apartment with marble countertops, wine cellar, and maybe guest room. Will ask Ella about apartment app.
Was ejected from Trader Joe’s for eating too many samples. Said they never had to do that before. Will consider this a small victory over corporate America.
Martha probably forgot about seven days thing. Seven days probably figure of speech. Have not had time to pack Beanie Baby collection. Was planning on using this to retire in Boca Raton, or, if Beanie Babies really take off, entirely new island, made out of platinum.
Seven days not figure of speech. Martha has hired goon Roy to drag me from own home. Roy claims to be lawyer. Do not believe Roy. Roy probably some type of two-bit mercenary with poor fashion sense. Asked to touch Roy’s thigh (checking for firearm). Roy did not let me touch thigh, confirming firearm theory. Considered attacking Roy, but did not want to appear violent in front of Martha. Martha does not like violence. Would not even let me purchase katana. Would cut Roy in half if Martha would let me purchase katana. Which is faster Roy? Katana or firearm? (Answer: katana)
Have been staying in Welcome Inn. Television does not get HGTV. Room smells like insecticide and semen. No bugs in room (probably due to insecticide.) Bugs would be good company. Have been reading Bible for fun. Will update with review.
REVIEW OF THE KING JAMES HOLY BIBLE
Am supposed to believe that Eve character stays with impulsive asshole Adam even after apple debacle? Please. Real woman would leave Adam for no apparent reason and with little explanation. Not believable. Two stars.
Invention idea: computer woman
Beginning to consider possibility that Welcome Inn is haunted. Creaking noise coming from closet. Creaking noise coming from ceiling. Told bellhop about creaking noise. Bellhop rolled eyes, like Ella would do. Am on own to deal with (fight/capture?) ghosts.
Management claims no such thing as ghosts. Classic corporate America. Told management that ghost has been writing threatening messages on wall in blood (only kind of true). Management said they would send bellhop to check tomorrow. Must think quickly.
Have been in hospital for four days. Cut leg open to smear blood on wall. Accidentally passed out in pool of own blood. Tried to convince nurse it was ghost anyway. Nurse said “ok” and wrote down “concussion” in pad. Must find way to convince nurse.
Have been unconscious for one week. Cut open leg to smear blood on hospital wall but passed out in own blood again. Currently strapped to bed. Am allowed to write in you for 15 minutes every day. Considering using pen to cut leg open.
Invention idea: sassy birthday card! Ha, ha.
Every day peaches. Only peaches. Told the nurse about peach allergy (mostly true), but seems to have increased volume of peaches.
Watched HGTV. Learned how to make pom-pom bunnies. Asked nurse for materials to make pom-pom bunnies. Just needed pom-poms and serrated knife. Nurse said no.
You know what is great? Morphine.
Was ejected from hospital because Martha pulled plug on health insurance. Will likely return to Welcome Inn. (Triumphantly!)
No longer legally welcome in Welcome Inn.
It is funny. One day, you are a platinum SuperCustomer at SuperMart, pointing at bum outside and laughing. The next day, you are the bum, pointing at other bums and laughing. World flip-flops like that. Might be in a flop now, but soon enough, will be in a flip again. Maybe will be a Senator or astronaut or something.
Everything looks like Martha. Cloud looks like Martha. Bush looks like Martha. Martha looks like Martha, when looking at Martha through the window.
Invention idea: facial hair for pets
Noticed something terrible while passing by window again this morning: Martha packing Beanie Babies to put in attic. Specifically told her danger of this. Martha does not seem to understand projected value of Beanie Babies. Technically worth more than either of our lives, possibly even combined. Martha never liked hearing this.
Climbed into attic to check on Beanie Babies. Worried humidity would damage beans. Beanie Babies fine, except for one eaten by spiders. Is nice here. Attic smells like Martha’s cooking. Never enjoyed it, but have also not eaten in four days. Would possibly be able to stomach it. Considering just walking downstairs, and stomaching dinner, like in good ol’ days.
Small problem: trapped under box. Heavy box fell on legs during quick 11-hour nap in attic. Will get self out of this. Do not need help.
Update: legs are broken.
Not exactly sure how long box predicament has gone on. Very hungry. Spiders starting to look delicious. Remembered fun fact that average man eats five spiders per year, while sleeping. Would like to eat five spiders right now.
Have lost all feeling in lower torso. Kind of nice. Lower torso never been my strong point. Strong point has always been upper torso, and overall charm, and also charisma, which is like charm, but different. Used these tools to woo Martha way-back-when. Always talked about my charm. Would like to hear a bit about my charm right now.
Spiders giving me a look. Think they can smell fear. Might also be smelling legs, which are decomposing.
Wonder how long you can go without water? Seems like a long time.
Seems to be more spiders than normal. Thousands of spiders near legs. Tickles in horrible, nightmarish way. Spiders whispering cruel things into ear. Can not even repeat in writing. Learned many new derogatory terms from spiders.
Invention idea: water
Can hear Martha snore. Used to tell her to cut it out, but kind of enjoy it now.
Legs gone. Spiders moving up torso, touring cuisine in different parts of body. Kind of like HGTV show, Trisha’s Southern Kitchen, except instead of Trisha, spiders, and instead of the South, my body. Spiders seem especially enthralled with belly. Would like to imagine Martha’s face when she sees this. Ha, ha.