How I Would’ve Directed the In-Flight Safety Announcement, If American Airlines Hadn’t Taken Away My Creative Liberties


Pan across open field of yellow daisies. Play an eagle sound. Disembodied voice (God?) says, “Since the dawn of humanity…” Show shot of ape-like creatures, embracing. “We have strived for love.” Pan back through daisy field, two lesbians are kissing. Hold shot for thirty seconds, as the lesbians begin to feel each other up.

Eagle sound. Cut to shot of stray dog, leering at a chicken carcass. Voice says, “In this cruel world of ours…” Show dog sharing his bounty with a decrepit homeless man. “We take love where we can find it.” The dog and the homeless man simultaneously turn and smile at the camera.

Cut to Jude Law’s chiseled fingers playing the piano. We pan up to see that he is playing for no one. It is so sad and beautiful that we cry, a lot. Jude Law rises from the piano, wracked with emotional pain. “Here at American Airlines…” he says. “You’ve found that love.” We realize that Jude Law was God, all along. Eagle sound.

Cut to shot of plane cabin filled with beautiful women. But wait! One woman is even more beautiful than the rest. We love her the most. She looks out the window, and we see a sinister-looking man on the wing, twisting his evil mustache. We know he is up to no good, because of his mustache and also the time-bomb he’s holding. She tries to scream, but only a foamy mix of blood and seawater comes out. Lightning sound. Eagle sound. Eagle sound. Cut back to the plane, and the rest of the women have disappeared. The plane is at the bottom of the scariest crevice in the whole ocean. Cut back to the beautiful woman. We see her, drifting unconscious and topless into the murky abyss. Give the audience a moment to mourn her death, for they have loved and lost so quickly.

Cut back to Jude Law. A gentle hand enters the frame and wipes the single tear from his eye. Eagle sound. The camera zooms through his eye and into his head, where we see him as a child. He is so alone. We want to weep for Jude, but we stay strong. He steps forward and addresses the camera. “So fasten your seat-belt,” he says, but in Jude’s adult voice. “For me.” The camera zooms back out of his eye and we see that the gentle hand belongs to the woman who died at sea. Jude Law fastens his hands around her waist, as though he were her seat-belt. “Click,” he whispers.

Fade to black. Eagle sound.

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